Obey Your Husband – Part 2

In the name of Allah, the Compassionate, the Merciful

In the previous post, we mentioned a few ahâdith (sayings of the Prophet)  in regard to a woman’s obligation to obey her husband. In this post, we shall focus on some of the logical reasons for male headship in the family.

 

Does the Family Need a Head?

At the outset, let us ask this important question: ‘Does the family need a head?’ We know that Allah, Exalted is He, says in the Holy Qur’an that the fabric of marital life is woven of reciprocal love and mercy:

And He ordained between you love and mercy.

(Qur’ân 30:21)

‘Is love not enough?’, one might ask, ‘Why is there a need for obedience?’ This objection is valid to a certain extent. A family is not an army with the man as the general. The obedience of a wife who obeys her husband, because of her love for him, is essentially different from the obedience of a soldier, who obeys his superiors, because of his fear of punishment. A mechanistic or robot-like obedience is not what Allah wants. Allah enjoins an obedience which stems from love and increases the mutual love of the couple.

That being said, mutual love and understanding is not enough. Leadership is an important principle in all social institutions; and the family is not an exception to this rule. A leaderless system is doomed to failure. The same is true about a system that has more than one leader, all with equal authority.

A car has to have a single driver. A car that has two people steering it can hardly reach its destination safely. The same can be said about the family, or in fact, about any social structure.  The family needs to have a single head. The head must have the right to command and to make decisions.

Why the Husband?

Now that we accept that ‘the family needs a head’, another question arises: Who must this head be? The wife or the husband? This is how Revelation answers this question:

Men are in charge of women.

(Quran 4:34)

It is noteworthy that this verse is phrased not in the form of a command but in the form of a descriptive statement. Allah is not telling us that men ought to be in charge; but also that in every normal society, men are in charge. The active or masculine element naturally dominates the receptive or feminine element. Women naturally desire to be led and guided. Men, by nature, seek to lead and to command. Men are happiest when they rule. Women are happiest when they are ruled over by their husbands.

In the same Qur’anic verse mentioned above (4:34), Allah gives two reasons as to why men must rule over women, rather than the opposite. Here are the reasons:

Men are in charge of women;

Because Allah has made the one of them excel the other

And because men spend of their property (for the support of women).

The first reason, ‘Allah has made the one of them excel the other’ is unfortunately misinterpreted by many. The phrase does not mean that ‘Allah has preferred men over women’ or that men are unconditionally and absolutely superior to women. If men were indeed superior to women in all respects, Allah would say so in a much more direct manner. The reality, however, is that men are superior to women only in certain respects. In some other areas, women excel men; and in yet other things, males and females are equal.

As far as leadership skills are concerned, men are generally more capable leaders than women. Women are subject to emotional states, whereas men are better at objective thinking, planning and systematising. Men think in more practical ways, arrive at better conclusions, are better organisers, and give better instructions.

Now let us explain the second reason: ‘Men spend of their property’: When a Muslim couple marry, the man is obliged to pay his wife her mahr; the wife is not obliged to pay him anything. Likewise, the shari’ah obliges the husband to support his family financially. The wife, even if she is rich and has a separate income, is not obliged to spend on her husband and her children. If she does so, it is considered an act of charity and not a duty. The money a man earns belongs to him and to his family; the money a woman earns belongs to her alone. For this, the man has to be compensated; and therefore, the headship of the family (qiwamah) is assigned to the man. This superiority brings with itself not only privilege but also heavy responsibility.

(To be continued)